Hey there, I’ve been gone for a while, because of an extended leave due to masturbation obligations, but after succesfully passing the exam (12 times in 12 hours), I have returned, just like a herpes outbreak.
The subject today is about poop. Do you know your poop? Do you know what the fuck I’m even talking about when I ask that question? I’m not asking whether or not your cordial with your poop, I was wondering if you can tell when you need to shit, how the shit is going to be, and whether or not your shit will smell bad, or tear the paint off the walls.
The Shart
Sometimes, especially when you’re in bed with a women (after sex), you really feel the need to unleash the shit out of your bowels, and you lift up your leg to let a wafty one go. However you didn’t expect to literally unleash shit from your bowels, and you and up sharting in your pants (if you’re wearing any). What the fuck. I mean, it will probably get the girl to leave (awesome!), but now you have to deal with shit stained pants/boxers/man thong/sheets/friends sheets! Or do you? You don’t if you know your poop!
A shart isn’t a shit, it’s only a small piece of shit, not a whole loaf. It’s not like you go to fart, and end up baggin’ a 12 pound see bass in the back of your trousers. No. It’s more like a footprint left behind by a fart, just to let you know it was there. To recognize a shart, first push easy and slowly, if the inside of your asshole doesn’t feel right, then do the safe thing and sit on a toilet, then unleash. This strategy has helped me several times:
- At the cancer hospital.
- At the special olympics.
- During that porn video I made.
- At my girlfriends funeral (that would’ve been embarrassing! lol).
It’s a nifty trick, so if you ever get that wet, seepy feeling on the inside of your rectum, just let it be. I like you use this motto:
If it feels like pee, let it be!
(like if it feels like you’re gonna piss out your ass….that ever happen to you? Not fun.)
The Choker
Ever hear that line, “I got a crap so big it could choke a donkey?” I think President Obama said it in his inaugural speech, but I might be wrong. Anyway, the choker garuntees two things:
- You’re ass hole is gonna get stretched, and it won’t be fun.
- You’re going to need a bigger plunger.
Sometimes, a man will go to take a shit (it’s a known fact that women don’t poop or fart), and he’ll start to push, when he realizes that his ass hole isn’t big enough (unless he’s a fag). How the fuck is he supposed to squeeze all that shit out of that tiny hole, surrounded by hair? Well never fear, I have a solution.
First of all, you don’t want to heave all that cocky out of your fudge factory all at once. you’re going to want to take it easy. Secondly, and this is the most important, don’t push with your asshole, instead, use your abs to push. Pretty much (haha, wow I’m getting way to serious with this post), you’re going to want to just tighten you abs as tight as you can. Just focus on tightening you’re abs. When you do this, it still pushes the poop out, but your asshole is more relazed, allowing a better flow of shit into the toilet, stray dog, or cop car. This is actually an awesome method I created, and works.When you’re done, feel free to take a picture and show your girlfriend (she’ll appreciate it).
I remember one time, I was in a stall at school, and there was a man thundering around in the other stall, complaining about how his shit was too big. I told him my method, but he insisted that he could just push it out quickly.
After I called the ambulence, I went home, only to discover that Kaz Matsui, a baseball player, and the man in the stall, suffered an anal fissure. Tsk tsk, if only he listened. I have a motto here too:
If it starts to hurt bad, tighten your abs!
The Explosion
I really don’t want to explain this one, so I’ll paint a visual that isn’t disgusting. Think of a balloon filled sawdust or sand or something and air as tight as possible. Hold it up. Then take a pin, and pop it. Imagine that the contents are all of your poop. Yea, it’s kind of like that. it all just drops at once. It’s like your bowels are on fire, and your ass hole is the only way out (cuz it is). Got a mental picture. Yes? That’s too bad, because that’s a gross image. You can tell when it’s coming because it feels like there is a pound of water about to explode from your asshole. Like, it’s right there, touching the walls of your asshole, and it’s always really wet (God this is disgusting).
There is no way to prevent this. The best thing you can do is sit down, heave, and get it over with. My motto?
When it jiggles a lot, get to the pot!
